Déjá vu.

You know you really care, when you have to try 

to convince yourself that you do not...

Čeprav se zdi petek danes tako daleč stran, je pred mojimi očmi še vedno popolnoma živ. Živ na način, ki ga ne znam dobro razložiti ali opisati. Še vedno se mi zdi, da je zavit v tanko plat krhkega blaga, ki pa je ravno toliko debel, da ga moje oči ne vidijo. Če bi sedaj hotela pretvoriti svoje občutke v besede in razložiti svetu, kako mi je bilo tisto noč, ko sem odšla, bi lahko napisala več kot eno knjigo. Čeprav se zavedam, da nisem bila popolnoma trezna, se je nekaj v meni prav zagotovo premaknilo. 

In kot danes pridejo noči, ko ne morem zaspati, ker se moje misli preveč ženejo v neznano smer. Hočejo dojeti, kaj se sedaj dogaja  z menoj... Čudno me stiska pri srcu vsako noč, ko se pokrijem z odejo in želim zaspati. Kajti namesto spanca, v moje misli prodereš ti.

Spala bi v objemu oblakov, letela bi s pticami neznano kam. Želela bi vse, kar je v svetu nemogočega, zaprla oči in verjela v vsemogočnost. Potovala bi v kraje, kjer ni veliko ljudi in preprosto raziskovala. Lovila bi dogodivščine, ki so navadnim ljudem nesmiselne. Verjela bi v pravico in moč posameznika, da lahko s svojo odločnostjo doseže veličino. Položila bi svoje srce v dlan ter jo odprla. Čutečemu neznancu bi podarila izbero, da ga vzame in spravi v svoj žep. Svojim besedam bi podarila krila, da bi si utrle pot tudi do najbolj gluhih ljudi. Podarjala bi priložnosti, eno za drugo. Prepustila bi se ritmu. Užila bi prav vsak dan posebej, vse dni, do konca svojega življenja. 

I will wait you in my dreams. 

I am homesick.

Your arms around me 

felt like home.

Gledala ga je povsem drugače kot še nekaj let nazaj, ko sta skupaj sedela v klopi. Sedaj se ji je zdel odrasel, odprt, razumen, tako spremenjen... Pogovor z njim je bil lahkoten in čas je letel skoraj s svetlobno hitrostjo mimo njiju. Vsak dotik, nasmeh jo je prisilil, da je svoje visoke zidove postopoma rušila. Vendar je s tem, ko je rušila svojo obrambo, pozabila na svojo prijateljico, ki je imela že nekaj časa oči uprte le vanj. Zavedala se je, da nikoli ničesar ni obljubila, da bo poskusila, niti se ni zavedela, da se to dejansko lahko zgodi, nikoli ni verjela, da bi ona in on lahko pristala skupaj. Nikoli. 

In vendar se je to zgodilo. In ni ji žal, strah jo je le posledic, ki lahko sledijo... 

Skrito očem.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them. 

No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, 

inside them they have all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, 

amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. 

Thousands maybe...

Do it with passion, or not at all.

Someday we will find what, we are looking for,

or maybe we will not...

Maybe we will find something much 

greater than that.

Nenadoma jo je pogledal s tistim vsevednim pogledom. Gledal jo je na način, kot da bi do potankosti poznal njeno dušo, njen razum in morda celo hrepeneče srce... Njegov pogled jo je nevede delal bolj in bolj živčno. Umaknila je svoj pogled od njegovega in hotela globoko zadihati, da bi se umirila. Ni hotela izstopati in ponovno povzročati zmedo ljudem okoli sebe. 

Vendar jo je on neprekinjeno gledal. In ne samo gledal, na nek način tudi preučeval, da bi jo lahko  celo razumel. Dolgo z njo, v družbi, niti ni spregovoril, več kot le nekaj besed... nato pa je nenadoma rekel: 

>> Veš, čutim, da ti pripada kitara. Ponovno boš pela, kot nekoč. Vidim ujeto umetnico v tebi... <<

Zmedeno ga je pogledala in si zanikala njegove besede. 

Šele po dolgem razmisleku je ugotovila, da je imel tetin znanec popolnoma prav. Že dolgo časi si želi početi reči, po katerih močno hrepeni, vendar nikoli ne najde čase. Ne da ga ne najde, noče si ga vzeti, ker se boji, da je dolgotrajne želje na koncu ne bi izpopolnile na način, kot si ga je zamislila.

Včasih se rada vprašam, kakšen občutek je, ko se nekdo zaljubi vate?  Takrat, ko se nekdo resnično zaljubi vate. Ne le, da te omreži in zavaja zato, da bi ti lahko zlezel v hlačke, ker vidi da si privlačna.

Temveč, ko se zaljubi v vsak posamezen delček tebe. Ko je navdušen nad tabo, že zato ker si ti ti. Kadar se navduši nad načinom kako vidiš svet, ga dojemaš, se lahkotno v njem smejiš... Ko je navdušen že zaradi tega, ker obstajaš. 

Nekoč si želim občutiti takšno ljubezen. Vendar ne želim hiteti in iskati, tokrat želim biti najdena.

Be who you want to be.

I act differently around different people. Mind you, I am not fake. I just have my own comfort zone. That is , why I can only be completely myself, when I am with people I am comfortable with. 

A few secrets about me, for those who read my blog. :)

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Hell no! 

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? I did not. 

3. Have you taken someones virginity? Yes, twice. 

4. Is trust a big issue for you? Yes. 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes. 

6. What are you excited for? For dying my hair red :)

7. What happened tonight? Nothing special, ordinary night I guess. 

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Yes, unfortunately.

9. Is confidence cute? Of course!

10. What is the last beverage you had? Jagermeister -.-

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? None.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? mhm

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Have fun in Koper  :P

14. What are you going to spend money on next? Food ? hahah

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? No...

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? I hope so.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My best girlfriends, but sometimes I keep bottled things only for myself. 

18. The last time you felt broken? Last night or it was a day already? 

19. Have you had sex today? No.

20. Are you starting to realize anything? Not yet...

21. Are you in a good mood? Pretty good. 

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Hell no! I am not an adrenalist. 

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Not the same, but they are green like his :) 

24. What do you want right this second? iPad

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I do not know, probably I would cry my heart out and than I would act like nothing happened. But after some time, I would explode and then nothing would ever be the same. 

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes, I am a naturally brunette. 

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No! That is the first thing someone I would date, should have.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?  Some random conversations last night.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes, but not just now. I miss him almost everyday :c

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? It depends.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? ...

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No.

34. Listening to? right now, SUM41- what am I to say. 

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? sometimes...

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? No I do not. 

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. I believe in souls being in sync, souls that mirror each other...

38. Who did you last call? My aunt.

39. Who was the last person you danced with? Some stranger.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I was completely wasted.

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? I do not remember. 

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? I do not have a crush, so no. 

44. Do you tan in the nude? hahaha no :)

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Yes.

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No/ yes, depends on how you look at it. 

47. Who was the last person to call you? My bestfriend

48. Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes I do.

49. Do you dance in the car? Yes, but only with my arms. :D

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? I do not think so...? :O

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Last month, it was for my driving licence. 

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No way.

53. Is Christmas stressful? Kinda

54. Ever eat a pierogi? I googled it. And yes, I already ate them. 

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Cherrypie.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Hairdresser, journalist. 

57. Do you believe in ghosts? Just in Casper, hahahah

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes

59. Take a vitamin daily? No.

60. Wear slippers? No.

61. Wear a bath robe? As a kid, now I do not. 

62. What do you wear to bed? Undies and too large T- shirt.

63. First concert? Game over or it was Sebastjan? :D

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? /

65. Nike or Adidas? Adidas yea

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Both.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? bljak

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? hahahah, I do not listen her.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuNIsY6JdUw, video made me laugh :)

69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes, in primary school.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Yes, a doctor. 

71. Can you curl your tongue? Yess!

72. Ever won a spelling bee? No.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Maybe years ago...

74. What is your favorite book? Alamut- Bartol, Hamlet- Shakespeare... I love books!

75. Do you study better with or without music? Depends on subject. 

76. Regularly burn incense? No.

77. Ever been in love? Yes.

78. Who would you like to see in concert? Maroon 5, One republic, Hurts, 30 seconds to Mars, Simple plan...

79. What was the last concert you saw? Severina´s.

80. Hot tea or cold tea? Hot.

81. Tea or coffee? Both.

82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate, vanilla... does not really matter. :)

83. Can you swim well? Yes.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes. 

85. Are you patient? I think I am not.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? band, yeaa.

87. Ever won a contest? No. 

88. Ever have plastic surgery? No.

89. Which are better black or green olives? Green.

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? You should try it, because you must know your partner to the tinniest details. And It is nothing wrong to try it with someone you really like or even love.

91. Best room for a fireplace? my bedroom.

92. Do you want to get married? I never thought about it, but if it is meant to be it will be :)

Never look back.

I love that moment, when you are on a long car ride, 

or listening to music, or reading and you completely zone out. 

You forget your troubles and everyone around you.

You are focused on that one thing, and that one thing only.

You are content and everything seems peaceful. 

Mislim, da moram sanje izpustiti, pustiti, da padejo in se umirijo na dnu, poleg drugih, ki sem jih imela in se jih ne morem dotakniti. Del življenja, ko bi mi te sanje prišle prav je minil. Ničesar več ne bom spreminjala, tukaj bom. Če bo šlo. Tak je moj načrt. 

Navsezadnje o tem, ali je nekaj ˝zares˝ ali pa so zgolj sanje, odloča samo naša zavest. Niso stvari same po sebi, da nas delajo srečne ali nesrečne. Marveč samo naša misel, naše prepričanje, ki ga imamo o njih. In na koncu sama vedno pridem do zaključkov, da naša sreča sloni na izmerno šibkih nogah... Na sanjah, ki si jih sami ustvarimo v lastno pogubo. 

Spremljal jo je njegov pogled, kamor koli se je ozrla. Kljub temu je še vedno ležala na svoji veliki brisači ter prebirala eno svojih poletnih knjig. Zgodba jo je neznansko potegnila vase, vendar je njen pogled vsake toliko nehote švignil proti njemu, da bi se lahko prepričala, da se ni ogrel za katero koli drugo izmed deklet na plaži. Vendar v resnici ni videla, moškega, ki je bil prijaznega obraza in športnega telesa polnega skrivnostnih tetovaž. Videla je svojega fanta, bivšega fanta, ljubimca ali karkoli točno je bil v tistem izbranem trenutku. 

Zavedala se je, da ga pogreša na nek tuj način... Hkrati pa je v sebi vedela, da če bi ga morda spoznala pred njim, bi bilo vse popolnoma drugače. V srce bi ga tedaj lahko sprejela, ker si je to zaslužil že zaradi načina, kako jo je oboževal, ji zaupal in nečesa še bolj pomembnejšega, ker je verjel vanjo. Vendar ga na žalost niti ni dobro poznala, niti se ni dovolj potrudila, da bi ga spoznala. Nevede je bežala stran od ljubezni in potencialne bolečine, ki bi pozneje sledila...

S slušalkami v ušesih je sedela ob morju in poslušala znan refren, hkrati pa opazovala valove, ki so vedno znova zahajali proti obali. Ne glede na število zavrnitev so se vedno znova vračali. Čeprav je vsak dotik trajal le nekaj sekund se niso vdali, poskušali so v nedogled... Če bi človeški ponos lahko prenesel toliko zavrnitev, bi si tudi sama dovolila vedno znova prosijačiti za novo priložnost, kot to počnejo valovi. Zavrnitev, nadomestitev določenega osebka zaradi nekoga boljšega v očeh družbe. Posamezniku stre srce, ga dobesedno pahne v obup, s katerega težko samostojno vstane. 

Ujeta v lastnih mislih si je rada predstavljala življenje pred njim, pred bolečino, pred vso to norostjo, ki se ji je dogajala zadnja leta. Videla je, da ne neha boleti, samo zato, ker se je sama tako odločila. A odločitev vseeno pomaga, da bolečina življenja ne uniči. 

Vendar je življenje samo hotelo, da boli, da razvije žgočo bolečino v nove smeri, ki si jih prej morda niti ni predstavljala, in za katere nikoli ne bo čisto prepričana, da so ji všeč.